Strength, Motivation, Whatever

I am constantly finding that each situation that has been thrown my way is exhausting and makes me want to hit my head against the wall.  I love my kids, but they are a lot of work.  Especially at this age.  Xander only wants his mommy to hold him...and only him....that means, no Lilly.  And she's nine months old!  How can I not hold her.  It's how she moves and gets around.  Where is hubby during all of this?  Throwing up.  How am I - the one that got puked on four times - not trying to force my stomach up through my esophagus, when he's the one that handed me the child that sounded like he was going to puke?  Huh?  How did that work?  I am thankful that I'm not the one who is sick.  Because guess who would still be doing the childcare, cooking, and general everything?  Moi.  C'est la vie.  I married a man that loves to work hard...at work.  Not so much anywhere else.  And he's not a bad father by any measure!  I go to work super early and he wakes up with the kids (most mornings) to get them dressed and off to the sitter's.  I pick them up after work, cook dinner, clean up after dinner, bathe the kiddos, do the dishwasher, put the kids to bed, and then clean.  Occasionally, hubby helps and I love him again.  Every once in a blue moon a while, I get to knit another row of Lilly's slippers that I have been working on for six months.

How does one stay sane?  I feel like I am constantly grasping for energy, pulling for some piece of life that will get me through the next thirty minutes.  Dammit and the bills are due!  That's right, I am the family accountant. 

What does my husband do, you ask? Good question!  Let me tell thee.  When he comes home from work, after dinner, he sits down to eat his plate that I have prepared for him.  After which, I clean up.  He then changes from his work clothes into his pajamas and sits on the couch or the nice chair in front of the computer.  While either watching television or checking FB, he might hold Lil for a moment while I (attempt to) change Xander's diaper.  Xander then roams free while I attend to Lil. 

Yes, I have talked to my lazy husband.  Yes, he has admitted that he has a problem.  Somehow, though, he gets stuck on step two and does an epic fail and retrograde into retardedness.  La da di, I did something right for two days and now it's time to return to the days when I did nothing right.  And so, the endless cycle of love then hate then love happens. 

If it is not that obvious, I am in the hate you stage right now.  When he stops throwing up and I can sleep in the same bed, I might love him again. 

This is my dumb dumb dog, Bubba.  No, I did not name him.  Yes, he is licking the window.