Before

I like to do things backwards. I like to start off big and then come back to the small things. It doesn't make the best business sense, but I'm a chemist, not a business person. 

For instance, most women become mothers after they have been wives.  Not me!  Yes, Miss Valedictorian and Full-Ride College Scholarship got knocked up before I got married.  Shocker, right?  It seriously was.  My then boyfriend (we weren't even engaged!) and I were having a few problems. A semi-long distance relationship and a jealousy streak rocked us a bit.  For me to focus on school and maybe live a little, I had planned on breaking up with him the next weekend I was home from UK.  Turns out the reason why I couldn't lose weight and I had to take a nap every day was from the pregnancy hormones.  A positive test the Wednesday before I was going to break the news stopped me from doing so. 

It was so fucking hard to realize this.  As a person that grew up with two parents that bickered constantly and fought every single night whether they were married or not, I had resigned myself to never getting married, let along bring children into the mess.  I was in the middle of my junior year of college and here I was, with a growing belly and no ring on my finger. 

Alex proposed to me the next Friday while we were at the Kentucky Horse Park under the Man of War statue.  It was actually very romantic.  We've been married for three years so obviously it's working so far.  By the way, I did not get married while I was pregnant. I was not going to share my wedding dress with my son.  How embarrassed would he have been?

I continued to go to school at UK, but had to quit my job as a resident advisor.  I got an apartment in a trashy part of town for a few months then moved back home.  I commuted to UK (about an hour and a half drive) two days a week.  I took a nap in my car and tried my best to fit in the tiny college desks.  Do you know how excruciating it is to sit for 50 minutes when you have forty extra pounds of water and baby resting on your bladder and hips?  And watching the thin sorority girls that you used to look like, walk past you and not meet your eyes?  The boys that would laugh watching you try to scoot into a desk?  It wasn't exactly the easiest time, but it was my fault that it happened.  I wasn't blaming anyone besides myself. 

The hardest thing about it was being different.  For the first time, I stood out in a crowd. I was the little white girl with a huge belly whose ankles were so bloated, she was embarrassed to sit down for fear her cankles would show.  I had an identity crisis.  People saw the beach ball, not me.  They saw the ring, but didn't see the wedding band.  Everyone was judging, weren't they?  I was a pitiful mess.

Then, Xander came into my life.  I gave birth to a HUGE little boy and he was mine to love and to take care of and fuck everyone that judged, I was a MOTHER! My belly may not be a six pack and flat, but I've got stretch marks, a big fat scar, and a pooch that tells everyone that I gave up my body to bring my vibrant and extremely energetic son into this world. 

I finished school with reasonably good marks and graduated with my chemistry degree.  I did it as best as I could because I wanted to provide for my son.  And for his little sister that we found out about 11 months after Xan was born. 

I don't think being a mother is easy at any point in life.  It was, however, the best thing that has ever happened to me.  It made me reorganize my priorities and work harder for things that needed to happen.  Would I be in the job that I'm in right now, own two cars and a house, and be able to afford to start my own  business on the side?  I know that I wouldn't be in this position.  My son changed my life and I'll be forever grateful to him.

That's why I will wipe his butt until kingdom come. I love you, Xander. 

Today Is a Random Day

I have a few things going on that I need to get out of my head.  That's why I have a blog.  Not so much to get the readers (though if you do read any of this, which doesn't seem likely, then Thank You!), but to put down some mildly cohesive thoughts so that I can visualize them and really see what I mean.  It's fun to analyze in hindsight. 

The biggest thing jumping on my brain is a job offer to one of my previous companies (let's call it company S).  Note: I haven't worked in many companies (three to be exact) because of college and babies and I'm not quite old enough to have changed careers...yet.  I've only been in my current position for eleven months (at company M).  The job that I had before was with a temp agency because no company was hiring chemists during the slump of the economy.  I worked at company S for eight months, with a five-week break to birth, nurse, and bond with my daughter.  They continually e-mailed and called, making sure I was coming back. It's safe to say they liked me. 

When I was offered my position at Company M, my boss at company S quit and wanted me to interview for her position.  Then the temp agency called and said they had a lab manager opening for full-time hire.  Bah!  I was pulled in three different directions at once.  Ultimately, I decided to go to company M because it was exactly what I wanted to do and would be making a lot more than my then current position at company S.  It was a secure job and doing exactly what my degree was meant for. 

Now, I'm again at those cross-roads.  Company S has another job opening for A LOT more than what I make now and it's the same distance from home and the same work hours as my current job.  The director of research called me and asked for my resume and when I was available for an interview.  (See, still safe to say they liked me.)

Sounds like a no-brainer, but it's not. I wouldn't be blogging about it if it was.  The work that they do is not anything like what I'm doing now.  They only instrument I would ever touch is an instrument that measures elasticity.  No ICP, moisture, SEM, PSA, GC, FTIR...nothing.  I'd be at a computer typing in formulas and making new formulas.  Possibility of a lot of travel as well. 

What to do (if I do get offered the new position)?  Do I negotiate my salary at my current job?  Do I go ahead and take the new job offer and if I don't like it, quit after a couple of years and go on to bigger and better things?  My current company is very sensitive to the economy.  The previous company (or new company?) flourished during the recession. 

I wish I could do both.

On another note, I have a craft show in a month and my son's birthday in a month.  His party is the day before my craft show which could turn into a disaster.  But, hey, I did it to myself. No one else to blame but this gal here!  Der. 

This weekend, hubby and I are going away.  We're booting it out of town sans kids.  It's going to be AWESOME.  He isn't letting me take my serger.  Butt face.