Going Crazy

I'm having a hard time being the jack of all trades and master of none.  It's starting to wear on me.

Obviously, working full-time and raising two young kids is no easy feat.  Waking up at 6 a.m., getting ready for work, working nine hours, picking up the kids, making dinner, getting them ready for bed and trying to get some housework done is beyond exhausting.  My oldest, Xander, is even starting to use the word 'Exhausted'.  I suppose I say this too much to him, because, yes, his nearly 3-year-old energy (on top of everything else) is exhausting. 

And it's almost his birthday, so I have to clean my house (that's going to take a week), make his birthday presents, and figure out some fun games to play.  Oh, and the dinosaur cake!  That's going to be awesome!  Last year, I made cow and pig cupcakes and a huge farm complete with barn and silo.  This year will be stegosaurus and T-Rex.  I have to figure out some dinosaur cupcakes.  Any ideas?

To add to everything, my business is actually doing pretty well.  At the end of January, I started  my own on-line business SewChem on Etsy.  It's awesome and I get to do everything that I love, but holy Jesus.  I have a hard time keeping up with the orders, messages, and custom requests that my customers want.  I made a nearly impossible deadline for each blanket, three to seven days, especially if I have more than two orders. 

My husband also believes that I'm not selling my blankets for enough.  The hours and care that I put into each item is considerably more than what I sell it for. The materials aren't inferior, the skills aren't inferior, it's just what I think people will agree with and buy from me.  I agree with him, but everytime I try and change the prices, I give myself sticker shock.  My mind reels when I come up with these numbers and I say to myself, "There is no way I would buy this blanket for this price! If I wouldn't, who else would?"

In all reality, someone else would.  It's just finding those people and marketing to them.  But, if I market to them, I feel like I'm leaving out the people that just want something really nice for a reasonable price.  People like me. 

I take three hours out of my day to size, embroider, hem, and sew the perfect blanket.  And I sell it like I'm some Asian sweat-shop child (although my new hair cut makes me look like a 12-year-old and it's not exactly cool in my sewing studio).  I did analyze my motivations behind my prices and it wasn't that difficult to figure out, although I'll never tell my husband - I think I sell for what I do because I want to keep sewing.  I don't want to have to stop and clean my house constantly, like before.  I want to have a hobby that is all mine and know that I can contribute to the baby shower which happens frequently in my large Catholic family. 

So, the prices are staying where they are.  I like what I'm doing even if it only brings in enough money to pay for the electricity to run my four sewing machines.  (I know, I know.  But I use each one!)

It's difficult finding a balance between an affordable price and the RIGHT price.  Just like it's difficult balancing work, kids, husband, and sleep. 

Whoa!  Sleep?  What is that?

Today Is a Random Day

I have a few things going on that I need to get out of my head.  That's why I have a blog.  Not so much to get the readers (though if you do read any of this, which doesn't seem likely, then Thank You!), but to put down some mildly cohesive thoughts so that I can visualize them and really see what I mean.  It's fun to analyze in hindsight. 

The biggest thing jumping on my brain is a job offer to one of my previous companies (let's call it company S).  Note: I haven't worked in many companies (three to be exact) because of college and babies and I'm not quite old enough to have changed careers...yet.  I've only been in my current position for eleven months (at company M).  The job that I had before was with a temp agency because no company was hiring chemists during the slump of the economy.  I worked at company S for eight months, with a five-week break to birth, nurse, and bond with my daughter.  They continually e-mailed and called, making sure I was coming back. It's safe to say they liked me. 

When I was offered my position at Company M, my boss at company S quit and wanted me to interview for her position.  Then the temp agency called and said they had a lab manager opening for full-time hire.  Bah!  I was pulled in three different directions at once.  Ultimately, I decided to go to company M because it was exactly what I wanted to do and would be making a lot more than my then current position at company S.  It was a secure job and doing exactly what my degree was meant for. 

Now, I'm again at those cross-roads.  Company S has another job opening for A LOT more than what I make now and it's the same distance from home and the same work hours as my current job.  The director of research called me and asked for my resume and when I was available for an interview.  (See, still safe to say they liked me.)

Sounds like a no-brainer, but it's not. I wouldn't be blogging about it if it was.  The work that they do is not anything like what I'm doing now.  They only instrument I would ever touch is an instrument that measures elasticity.  No ICP, moisture, SEM, PSA, GC, FTIR...nothing.  I'd be at a computer typing in formulas and making new formulas.  Possibility of a lot of travel as well. 

What to do (if I do get offered the new position)?  Do I negotiate my salary at my current job?  Do I go ahead and take the new job offer and if I don't like it, quit after a couple of years and go on to bigger and better things?  My current company is very sensitive to the economy.  The previous company (or new company?) flourished during the recession. 

I wish I could do both.

On another note, I have a craft show in a month and my son's birthday in a month.  His party is the day before my craft show which could turn into a disaster.  But, hey, I did it to myself. No one else to blame but this gal here!  Der. 

This weekend, hubby and I are going away.  We're booting it out of town sans kids.  It's going to be AWESOME.  He isn't letting me take my serger.  Butt face.

Farmville and Crazy Mom

In my birthing class that was "mandatory" for all new parents to attend that wanted to give birth in this fancy new hospital, it was stressed upon us that we might go through a period when the baby is first born where we may want to harm him.  (What they didn't tell us is that we will continue having these thoughts until WE die.)  Lack of sleep, hormone imbalance, trouble nursing, etc might all be factors in these thoughts.  Each couple had to come up with an alternative method of calming our baby down.  With 24 couples in the class, we all had some pretty good ideas.  The running water trick saved our marriage.  Shaking the baby was NOT an option, duh! 

Well, for one mom, it obviously was. 

While feeding the cows and harvesting her crops on Facebook's addicting game, Farmville, her 3-month old son began to cry.  Ignoring him, she continued harvesting and trading and buying and building her imagninary farm.  Baby continues to cry.  To make him stop so that she could finish her very important game, she picks him up and shakes him.  Goes and smokes a cigarette and then comes back to shake him some more.  Shakes the baby so hard that he dies.  He dies.  He died. 

Because?  Because playing her imaginary game was more important than feeding her baby, or picking him up, or playing with him or paying attention to his needs because you're the only person at that moment that he can trust to take care of him?  How does someone do that?  I don't understand it!

My son was not a good baby for the first...well, ever...of his life.  He cried and cried and ate and cried.  It was unnerving.  I craved for time to myself.  Yes, I had thoughts of throwing him.  But I was disgusted and horrified the millisecond after the thought passed through my sleep-deprived brain.  I knew it would be wrong.  Ultimately, I convinced myself in a matter of two seconds that hurting my child would bring more misery to the rest of my life than the peace of five minutes it would bring if I could make him just be quiet.  It wasn't worth it.  It would never be worth it!

I wonder what goes through the minds of women and men that are able to physically harm their children.  The lady that drowned her four young children?  What happens in that moment when morals are thrown into the wind and insanity is allowed to reign?  I can never understand it.  I don't ever want to.  I want my children to live and thrive. 

I don't know if the issue is the game of Farmville.  It's not a violent game.  I don't believe it planted (sorry for the pun) a kernel of violence in her head and subconsciously told her to shake her son.  In truth, Farmville is a way for someone to escape into a simpler life.  It is a life where your crops and animals depend on you to sell, feed, harvest, etc.  You can build a new farmhouse and help harvest other's crops.  An alternate life, possibly.  An escape from a newborn that cries and needs incessantly.  Sure.

Any person that stays at home with their kids or takes care of other's kids needs a break.  It's flippin' hard.  I stayed home with my son for four months and I just wanted to take a shower without him needing me to hold him.  You take for granted everything that you did before kids, like taking a 20 minute shower instead of 2 minutes.  (Sorry about the hairy legs, honey. Baby wouldn't let me shave them for the past two months.)  You need a break.  An hour or a few away from them can only make you a better caregiver.  After a date with my husband or a girls' night out, I am so much more grateful for my children than if I had stayed at home with them. 

Her son would be a year old now.  It literally makes my stomach flip to think about what she did to him.  She pleaded guilty to second degree murder.  My only hope is that the women in her prison will show as much respect to her as she did to her son.  Maybe while she's getting shanked or the crap kicked out of her, she'll remember she forgot to harvest her corn.